how to not have the gayest picture on myspace

i won’t presume to tell you what picture to put up but if you are chasing snatch, i have some pointers.

1 - orient it properly. if your picture is sideways, i will assume you are too young, old or lazy to upload it correctly.

2 - kids are out. i’m sure you love your kids. i would love mine if it weren’t for the miracle of abortion. they can be a deal breaker when negotiating for pussy. jesus spoke in parables, not to confuse his disciples, but to address many things at once with a succinct proclamation. here’s one of mine; imagine you go to a job interview dressed to the nines. you are scrubbed, well prepared and wearing a double dose of the cologne your grandma bought you for christmas (the cologne represents your kid). the interview goes better than you expected so you stop in antwerp (my inexplicably crack infested town) to buy an ounce of weed and an 8-ball to celebrate a sure thing. (they didn’t ask you for urine so you’re back to partying right?) 3 days later you receive a generic dear john letter from the company’s hr department which lets you down gently, and without explanation. was it the cologne? you’ll never know, but yes, it was.

3 - cell phone camera pictures are out. if you don’t own a digital camera, you know someone who does so use it. if your shit looks all cheap and hoopdie, it is and so are you.

4 – i appreciate art but to invoke the bible once again “there’s a time and place for everything and your fucking myspace hookup page ain’t it” - ecclesiastes. i am not going to fuck your motorcycle, dog, afghan mountain range or body armor/kevlar/sunglasses/gun, i am going to fuck you. show me a picture of you. this is a meat market, not a yard sale.

show me how you look. if you are not comfortable with a half portrait, your likeness should at least be represented in your picture.

you may use photoshop to correct minor imperfections so long as they don’t interfere with your general appearance. for instance, i removed my hindu dot and wedding band while enlarging my nose to attract the ladies. i also extracted the Korn concert in the background and replaced it with a beach scene and brick overlay.

i hope this helps some of you=)

i

how to buttfuck

this post would be more aptly titled ‘how to get your girl to let you fuck her butt’ judging by the mail i’ve been getting, but the two go hand in hand. let me explain. every girl wants to get it in the ass and most have tried. if the result was not pleasuresome, that’s because it was done wrongly.

guys, if she is telling you that she has never done it and never will, and she is over the age of fourteen (thirteen in my hillbilly town), she most likely has tried it and it hurt! when done improperly, there is no bigger pain in the ass!

since most of my mail on this subject is from the fellas, i will address my response to them. ladies, you are welcome to read along and your comments are more than welcome.

1, if she won’t let you hit the stank, she could be hung up on one or more issues. maybe she’s had a bad experience with her uncle or dad. she could be ashamed or nervous about stinking up the joint. whatever it is, you need to assure her that her concerns are overblown and that people have been buttfucking since the stone age when they only had spit for lube. hell, your grandmother didn’t have anything more than hog fat and she made grandpa and his friends happy. if reason and guilt fail, ply her with alcohol.

2, don’t beg. there is nothing that dries my pussy up faster than a whiny-ass sniveling little boy-bitch. if you can’t be a man then you can go jack off like a boy. these things don’t always happen overnight. if persistent reason and guilt tripping fail to get you up her ass then maybe you should consider the possibility that she dosen’t like you. remember, all girls want it in the ass. every single one. everyone smokes pot and all girls want it in the ass. know when it’s time to move along.

3, have lube onhand and be generous with it. a question i get more often than i am comfortable with is ‘can’t i just use spit?’ are you in prison? are you from redwood? take your fucking ass down to walmart and buy some god damn fucking astrogel. and get some fucking candles while you’re at it.

4, set the mood. think you’re going to bust her ass-cherry in the back seat of your hyundai? pros don’t even do that. i don’t care what you have to do but at a minimum there needs to be a bed, privacy and if you can manage it assanova, candles, music (hers not yours) and a fat line of cocaine. alcohol is mandatory for the first time. i recommend mad dog 20/20, any flavor, or wine if she’s a fag.

5, getting her asshole ready. first, get everything greased up. astroglide is the best because it is like pussy juice squeezed from an angel. apply it with your fingers and make sure to get the key parts. you’re not painting your truck, don’t grease her cheeks and thighs (unless she wants you to. always do what she asks. unless she’s being retarded. i don’t know why girls get stupidly retarded at times, it happens to me every so often, just try to fight through it) but make sure the whole crack is slippery and that includes the pussy. next, insert your lubed up pinky directly into her sphincter. not too fast but hurry and get it on up there, it’s only a pinky. at this point, you should be observing for auditory cues. i won’t tell you how to fingerbang your bitch, but i will tell you that her reaction to your pinky foreshadows and instructs the rest of your poophole adventure.

6, the mechanics of putting it in. if your face is not yet covered with pussy juice after fingering both of her netherholes until she breathlessly demands an ass-ramming, you are not yet ready for this step. in fact, you should refresh yourself with ‘big birds basics of eating and fingerfucking snatch’ then come back.

now that you’re back, we’ll move on. a common error on the first anal try is to go at it doggie style. doggie is nice once you’re accustomed but the tubes and orofices don’t naturally line up in that position. better to have her lie on her back missionary style the first time. this is important: apply only a small amount of pressure with your (big i’m sure) dick and see how she reacts. she will let you know how to proceed. it is very important to take all commands from her at this point. be too pushy and you may not be invited back. the first few times you may have to inch it in slowly but after you’ve worked it in and out several times, she might just say “o.k. sailor, now fuck it like you paid for it!”

once she gets a taste for having dick up her ass, it’s amazing to see how rapidly it becomes a full-blown addiction. if you follow my outline and she still won’t let you jelly-fuck the round hole, there are only 2 explanations: either you’re fucked up or she is. i don’t pass judgement.

Notes:

Ass to mouth, yes or no? - why not. i’m not a doctor but if i was, i’d still suck a guy’s dick right after he pulled it out of my butt, why not. (rule of thumb in antwerp: no coke, no ass to mouth, go find your sister if you want that action)

double penetration? - nothing is kinkier than being completely filled up. with the price of gas, i’ll take it where i can get it. BTW, i have three holes, please don’t sell me short.

i know butt fucking is an art and i could not have possibly covered everything so please share your comments below.

you’re welcome,

i