how to not have the gayest picture on myspace

i won’t presume to tell you what picture to put up but if you are chasing snatch, i have some pointers.

1 - orient it properly. if your picture is sideways, i will assume you are too young, old or lazy to upload it correctly.

2 - kids are out. i’m sure you love your kids. i would love mine if it weren’t for the miracle of abortion. they can be a deal breaker when negotiating for pussy. jesus spoke in parables, not to confuse his disciples, but to address many things at once with a succinct proclamation. here’s one of mine; imagine you go to a job interview dressed to the nines. you are scrubbed, well prepared and wearing a double dose of the cologne your grandma bought you for christmas (the cologne represents your kid). the interview goes better than you expected so you stop in antwerp (my inexplicably crack infested town) to buy an ounce of weed and an 8-ball to celebrate a sure thing. (they didn’t ask you for urine so you’re back to partying right?) 3 days later you receive a generic dear john letter from the company’s hr department which lets you down gently, and without explanation. was it the cologne? you’ll never know, but yes, it was.

3 - cell phone camera pictures are out. if you don’t own a digital camera, you know someone who does so use it. if your shit looks all cheap and hoopdie, it is and so are you.

4 – i appreciate art but to invoke the bible once again “there’s a time and place for everything and your fucking myspace hookup page ain’t it” - ecclesiastes. i am not going to fuck your motorcycle, dog, afghan mountain range or body armor/kevlar/sunglasses/gun, i am going to fuck you. show me a picture of you. this is a meat market, not a yard sale.

show me how you look. if you are not comfortable with a half portrait, your likeness should at least be represented in your picture.

you may use photoshop to correct minor imperfections so long as they don’t interfere with your general appearance. for instance, i removed my hindu dot and wedding band while enlarging my nose to attract the ladies. i also extracted the Korn concert in the background and replaced it with a beach scene and brick overlay.

i hope this helps some of you=)

i